Mama

"You have to talk about it, it's wrong to shoulder everything all to yourself, its wrong and its selfish... you gotta let me help..."

"Help? Theres no helping anything, you think we're gonna talk about it and hug and everything is gonna be alright? This pain... this hole inside me... its killing me and i know i cant change anything, and that is the one thing that hurts the most, the fact that i could only stand there, do nothing, as i saw her breath her last gasp of air, nothing i can do about it. This image in my head, of weakness of unfairness, of me..... it hurts like hell...."

"....................."

"Now tell me, what can you possibly say to make me feel better?"


Im not okay. I dont think I'll ever be okay. It angered me early after it happened when people ask me "Are you okay?" I always answered "Im coping" or "Ill be okay." But no one seems to realize those answers means "Im not okay."

When someone dies..... Saying their name becomes weird... Everytime i say the word mama... I feel this pain... jolting my heart with a thousand needles in a split second.... Im not okay..... I dont wanna talk about it.... I do however.... wish she was here.... I dont have regrets... i always loved my mother, treated her like a queen..... i love every lost teeth.... lost toes.... thinning grey hair... her tendency to use tears as a weapon of guilt.... everything... I miss everything....

My mom used to ask for something i was eating after she was sure it was finish. Teaching me that it is always polite to ask if anyone once a taste. She taught me the great taste of yogurt!

I wanted to write something perfect..... but i cant.... my mother was not perfect.... she... like the trailing dots in this post.... she was imperfect.... but she gave me character.... personality... a voice....

Everyday i go to work, i smile, i laugh, i joke, and make everyone feel comfortable around me.... deep down.... Im not okay.... I miss mama..... how can i not miss mama...... when i dream... i dream of mama..... I miss mama.... I used to text her all the time that i miss her... and she would call and she would confirm... "bangpi hantar msg rindu mama ke?"

Writing this hurts.... thats why i could never do it...this isnt perfect.... it can never be perfect... it will never be perfect.... my muse... my inspiration.... my strength is gone.... so how can i write anymore? Im not okay.... Trust me... im not okay.... I cant call her anymore.... i cant msg her... i cant be disappointed when she tells me she isnt cooking when i come home....

People tell me i have to let her go..... but i cant.... i want to... if it makes her happy... i want to... but i cant.... because it hurts too much....i still think about her.... i still think sometimes... that shes still there when i see something i think she would love if i bought one for her.... then a second later im reminded.... she isnt there anymore.... I wanna wake up from this nightmare...... because im not okay.....

I dont wanna write this anymore... too many tears have been shed.... this is where this ends.... I love you mama..... I hope you know that.... mama... i love you..... Im sorry for the bad writing....

I love you Mama
Halijah Ahmad
1951 - 2009
Mother, friend, Inspiration

Typophile Film Festival

Typophile Film Festival 5 Opening Titles from Brent Barson on Vimeo.

It's awesomely cool, right??

Kerjayaku Model

Dulu. Salah satu cita-cita aku nak jadi model. Nak pakai baju cantik sambil jalan buat muka serius macam tak peduli orang sekeliling sebab macam paling lawa paling hot.

Kalau nak jadik model, kena tinggi, kaki panjang, muka tak cantik takpe asal unik, kulit tak putih takpe asal cantik takde jerawat, and ramai orang kata kena kurus, and kena konfiden.

Bersungguh-sungguh aku berlatih dari kecik jalan macam model, dabik dada macam model, hayun tangan macam model, kepala kena chin up macam model, senyum sombong macam model. Semua lah macam model!

Setelah masuk umur 18 tahun.... aku masih kurus. Yay! Lulus! Tapi.... aku tak tinggi-tinggi, kaki tak panjang-panjang, lepas kena chicken pox muka ada jerawat la pulak....

Kawan baik aku kata, "ko mana boleh jadi model, ko ada lesung pipit! Lesung pipit ni dah dikira cacat tau tak? Model kena perfect. Tak boleh cacat. Haha"
Adik pulak kata, "nak jadi model gigi kena lawa, gigi berterabur ada hati nak jadi model. Hahaha"

Haih. Isk isk isk. Terkubur lah cita-cita masa kecil aku begitu sahaja....

Tapi...tapi...nak tau tak? Masa sekolah SSI, ada pertandingan model kat asrama, lawan antara dorm, model model mesti junior yang baru masuk form 1. Masa ini aku senior dah.

Dan..... tempat pertama, kedua and ketiga semua junior junior dorm aku yang bolot weyh!!

Dan..... dan..... cuba teka siapa yang bersungguh-sungguh melatih mereka berjalan macam model?? Siap letak kayu penyapu kat pinggang tahan dengan tangan tuh! Posture, posture kena tegak beb. hehehe

Funny...how time flies. Now dah tak terasa nak jadik model pun. Sebab dah sedar diri. Hahahaha. Nonetheless, i still love watching any catwalk/model/fashion show. Aku suka tgk keyakinan mereka mereka yg berjalan di khalayak orang ramai.

Yes, Confidence attracts me.

And i guess, ade hikmah for everything. Yes, i'm short, i'm pimply, gigi berterabur, kurus keding pulak tu, but Hanafee loves me. *winks* Terima kasih Tuhan.

*smiles* cita-cita korang dulu nak jadi apa?

Kunci Kegembiraan

adalah tidak peduli. tidak buang masa fikir risau gundah gelana. sayangi diri sendiri. barulah tak makan hati. barulah tak kurus melidi.

sekali lagi, kunci kegembiraan, adalah tidak peduli.

The Last Two Months

The last two months have probably been the most testing times for me. I have became a visitor in my own blog, and im glad Sabrina has been doing a good job in terms of keeping it as lively as possible. I havent been able to, Im not as lively as i used to be, i guess thats what happens when a part of you dies and withers away.

I wanted to write a scribe for my mother, unable to, it lacks.... perfection. So unless it becomes perfect, you wont be seeing it anytime soon on this blog. So just a short update for everyone. Here are some things I've learned in the past two months:-

1. Your true friends are the ones who help bury your mother.
   
2. You can lose a brother when you lose the will to help them.
   
3. Brotherhood is to be earned
4. The people that cry for you loves you, but the people who hold you when youre crying doesnt love you less
5. There is nothing more amazing than being able to sit up and write.
   
6. Dont stay in bed too long, the world goes on but no one does your work for you.
7. Love yourself most, no one does it better than you.
   
8. Smile
9. Dance even if its just in your room
10. Smile
11. Never believe it when your doctor tells you "it wont hurt one bit"
12. Be worried when your doctor looks at your charts and says "Uh-oh!"
13. Be even more worried when he looks at your x-ray and says "Ooopppsss!"
    
14. Even if it hurts, hug someone
15. Even if it hurts, run a bit
16. Cry if you feel like it.
17. and lastly, if people ask you, "Are you okay?" smile and say "Would you be okay if you were in my place?"

So I leave you with that, not to bum anyone out, I will be writing a tribute to my mother, i just have been dwelling on many of the drafts, if anything, like i said, it needs perfection.