The Books

Since 2014, I kept on receiving books, one after another. It was given without i even asked for it. I knew who the Sender is. I received them with an open heart full of curiosity. The Sender did not leave any messages to me. It was sort of like an unwritten message... like "I am giving you this, learn, and use it wisely".

So I am free to just let it be unread. And if i read them books, i am free to decide whether to read halfway or entirely until the end. If i have finished it, i am free to keep or return it. 

Usually right after I decided to close a book and return it, a next new book would be delivered to my doorstep. The Sender knows everything! He never failed to send me a book to brighten up my days. There are quite a number of reasons why i decided to close a book. It could be because the books are boring, too predictable or just not up to what i imagined it to be. And the Sender was never mad when i closed any book. He knew my reasons and He is okay. 

The earlier books that I received; Civil (2014/2015), Bicycle I (2015) and Coffee (2015/2016), I did not bother to scribble in them. I thought it's not nice to scribble in a book which i knew i would return it later. But after the 4^th book onward; Gas (2016), Cloud (2017), and Bicycle II (2017), I started to scribble, jot some notes or doodled in them. I don’t know why I did it. I wish I could turned back the time and refrained from dirtying the books. Well, it's not literally dirty, hey i use colorful pencils and i am pretty much damn sure my doodles looks beautiful and i think if the books can speak, they would be honored that i doodled in them. Haha. Anyway all the six books are now closed and safely returned. Alhamdulillah. I learnt a lot. *smiles*

For now, I'd like to keep just the 7th book, Paradise (2018). To me the 7th book is so wonderfully charming, it’s a mix of everything that I like from book 1 to book 6. I am so grateful and happy to have found "Paradise" that makes me feel at peace. 

I used to keep this one book for 9 years, my Poetry book (2003) that I loved so much.. i bring him anywhere i go. However it was taken away from me in 2012... In the blink of an eye it was gone... But I believe in whatever that is taken away from us, will be replaced with something better... we don't know but Allah knows. 

I wish to keep Paradise for as long as i could, just like how i did with Poetry... and when the time comes, i wish the Book-Giver would take me first instead of my book cause i am not sure whether i could bear another loss. 

So, with that, I end my story-telling. *smiles* Thank You. 

At five

This morning, at 4am, his handphone chirped and woke me from my senseless dream -_-

I don't remember the exact moment of waking up and grabbing the phone from his side and looking at it... much less looking at a miss call from an unknown number and reading an sms from a lonely chick who was unfortunate enough to to be awake at 4am on a weeknight.

The sms was a simple straighforward, albeit a little gedik sounding. I don't remember reading that sms or even trying to understand what it was trying to say, but I woke up safe and cosy in his arm a couple of hours later remembering that sms.

Now, I am not in the habit of checking my partner's phone/sms/email/etc anymore. I mean, what is the point? It shows lack of trust and also creates reasons to start fights. You know what I mean... "Who is this? Who is she? Why is she calling. You never told me about her. Since when u two starts emailing?" etc... And it doesn't work. Trust me. If they wanna cheat on you, they will do it any way they could. Besides, they will respect you more if you show enough respect and trust towards them. (Unless of course, if he is a complete pathetic asshole who is just never satisfied with whatever you do/sacrifice for them).

While i can sleep soundly in his arms, blessed with such good fortune to be able to win his heart and receive his warm kisses and hugs, looking into his eyes before I fall into deep sleep and waking up with his arms around me and kisses to start the day...

And that poor girl... she won't experience this with him as long as he is with me, and I thought of her, sitting up in bed, awake at 5am, thinking of him, and resorting to sending out smses and trying to call him and then being ignored... I just feel pity for her. (Unless of course, she becomes a real threat to me.)

Pity.

Damn. I have changed.

*p/s : a mix of whats real and whats not.

new guest

he was stretching before last night in the middle of his room, eyes closed, and he imagined her laying beside him. he guess this was both a vision of an actual future and a way to prepare for a new guest coming into his world. Either way he was laying on his back, then he looked to his right and there she was, laying on her back too, looking back at him. 

secret keeper. glow giver.

 Secret- keeper. Glow-giver.

[He calls me his muse. His angel. For I am the one who stands behind him, looking over his shoulder, whispering Secrets of Happiness in his ear. That I am the one who fills him up with hope and touches his heart with light.
Me.
"Where did you come from, my sweetheart,” he asks.
And I have no answer for him. But every time those words leave his lips, I soar to the highest mountain, fly towards cloud nine where a soft Golden Glow fills me up and lifts me up inside.
Strangely Happy, is what you can call this. Strange. Because it came out of Nowhere. Fills us up with Nowhere Happiness and takes us to Nowhere Land.
It is going Nowhere.
And yet we struggle on. Clinging to each other for little snatches of Happiness. Stubbornly trying to make sense of all the feelings we have for each other. Which we never reveal. Only mentioning the Little Things. And keeping the Big Things inside.
I miss you. I wish I was there with you. I care for you.
And with all those feelings, there is an incredible sense of helplessness because no matter how much we care for each other, yearn for each other, want each other, we cannot fight Reality. We can't fight the Real World.
Where he goes, she goes. Where I am, there they are.
No escape.
But I still stand there. Behind him. Tirelessly whispering in his ear, all the Secrets that I know, just to see that smile, just to hear those words, just to feel that feeling, even if those Secrets were for her.
She. Who doesn't seem to know.
Secret- keeper. Glow-giver.
My secrets. To make her happy. Make him happy.
My secrets. Happiness. With a touch of poison. (With every taste, you'll die inside. Just a little. I promise…) He hangs on to me, for the Butterflies, as much as I live for his Glow. But there was a time, when I finally stopped whispering and told him, I needed to go.
If you want me to.
Things will be easier. For you.
Please don't… erase me. And there were tears. Disbelief. Pain.
I hardened my heart at his words. It's not that difficult to erase somebody, I told him. Life is all about erasing, forgetting. And it's not for me. It is for you. But we both know, I wouldn't erase him. And he couldn't erase me. Not yet.
Every day my heart trembles with Happy Butterflies when he calls. When I hear his voice, barely concealing his Golden Happiness.
And so we struggle on. The Secret Keeper and the Glow Giver. Blissfully happy in each other's Temporary Company. Blissfully trying to forget that one day, The Time will come.
The Time when I will run out of Secrets. And Happiness with a Touch of Poison. (With every taste, you'll die inside. Just a little. I promise...) The Time when he will run out of Glow. And we will forget all about the Butterflies and the Golden Glow and how much we fought the Real World.
Until The Time came.
And Temporary, is what it always was, what it always has been.
Just… temporary. ]

-tq and credit to the witchinghour-