Can you put away the phone, please?

Pernah tak nampak keadaan ini? “Satu family makan bersama, duduk semeja, tapi semua ahli keluarga sibuk tengok phone masing-masing”

I have seen it for many times… and it triggers me… I don’t want us my family to be like this..

So I have started my own self-challenge of putting the phone away when I am home. Baru start last week. Check on the phone only when daughter or husband is not around. Or only use the phone when I have to call people or pick up calls.

Basically the idea is to reduce the amount of time holding or gluing myself to the phone screen when I am at home or when I am around family members.

Personally, this challenge is not easy. I need to be really really emotionally strong. Especially since the last 10 years da terbiasa asyik nak check whatsapp messages, whatsapp status, check facebook timeline, check instagram, tgk youtube or bermacam short movie videos bagai. Astaghfirullah.

So these records are based on my own experience since I started this challenge…

1-  Felt sad when u already detox yourself from the smartphone but other beloved people still holds on to it. To me, the unspoken message to me is "scrolling the timeline is more important than spending quality time with you".

Remedy: Ajak ahli keluarga tersayang untuk join this challenge. If they insist to be glued to their phone, let them be until they learnt the lesson of “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone…”

I have learnt my lesson when I lose late Hanafee.. up to this day.. I still remember his words.. “Sayang, cukup-cukuplah twitter tu”. The next morning, he was gone… At that time, I did listen to him and stop twittering when he said that. I just wished he did not need to remind me at all.. I just wished that I would put the phone away when he’s around.

2- The stressfulness of having to consistently say "NO" when your daughter crying out loud begging for phone. Sampai keluar ayat “Mommy, you don’t love me…” Sampai kita terpaksa bebel walaupun kita tak nak bebel. Sampai bebelan kita termasuk orang lain.. “Handphone handphone handphone. Orang sana main phone, orang sini main phone, bla bla bla”

Remedy: Cuba lagi untuk slow-talk dengan anak and ajak dia buat aktiviti fun yang lain.

3- Some people generously utter "Tak baca whatsapp ke?", "Baik tak payah ade phone", “Anti-social”

Remedy: Tell the people about this challenge. Tell them to call if it’s really urgent. And tell them that your existence is this world bukan lah untuk check the phone every second of the day. Duh!

I hope I will stay strong and improve the quality of time with my family.

I hope people around me will support me and it would be best if they also do the same. Less time with phone around family members. 

Syawal 1438H

Assalamualaikum.

It's already the 5th day of Eid Al-Fitr. 

Hope it's still not too late to wish you Selamat Hari Raya!!

How's your raya? Seronok? Bosan? Biasa je?

Tahun ni, tahun ke-5 Sab and Hanee sambut raya without Daddy. But it's okayyy. We still have Atoks, Uncles and Brothers around~ =) 

Raya di Johor aja kita. Bila ntah dapat raya jauh. Adakah rezeki? Hanya Allah yg Maha Tahu. 

Dulu berangan nak raya Kedah.. berangan nak raya Sabah... coz of late husband's parents asalnya dari Kedah and Sabah. Tapi tinggal angan-angan aja lah. Huhu. 

It's okay, kalau Sab panjang umur, memang Sab akan bawak Hanee pergi Sabah sana. Amin! But one of late husband's uncle that's in my list to meet sudah passed away last week.. I remember him cause dia datang dari jauh to our wedding in 2011. Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiuunn. =(

This year i did not buy any baju raya for myself. Kasut raya pun tiada. Bukan sebab dah beli awal atau apa. Memang tak beli pun. This year, i pakai apa yang ada and i felt happy and bersyukur. =)

However i did buy baju raya for Hanee. kat Tesco. Hahaha, kelakar rasanya. Tiada apa yang nak dimalukan anyway, still cute and cantik-cantik apa. Murah lagi. Adalah 2 pasang baju kurung cotton bunga-bunga and beberapa baju jalan.

And rupa-rupanya, itulah perasaannya... apabila emak abah tidak kisah mereka tiada baju baru, asalkan anak dapat baju baru..kasut raya baru.. =)

Hmm, teringat dulu kecik-kecik, emak abah selalu macam dapat bagi apa yang sab nak... padahal entah-entah mak abah susah payah cari duit supaya sab and adik beradik dapat apa yang kami nak.. =(

Anyway, am still not sure whether this year nak buat open house or not. We'll see lah whether got budget terlebih. Not wajib pun kan? =P . Plus, my house is always open for kawan-kawan to come visit and lepak apa... tak perlu tunggu raya to open the house. Hihi. 

Before i end this post, jomlah kita kumpul duit for ibadah Korban pula ok? Tak dapat seekor, sebahagian pun tidak apa.

Okies bai~ 

Adore more, pray more, irritate less.

One thing that makes me happy is when I get to pray for my husband. I hope he prays for me too. I’m scared when we stop praying for each other, that’s when the mosque that you have built together starts to crumble…..

i fell asleep i fell asleep i fell asleep i fell asleep i fell asleep i fell asleep i fell asleep i fell asleep

Aku tertidur sampai lena terlepas untuk mengucapkan selamat hari lahir kepada tersayang dan dia terpaksa menunggu aku 3 jam selepas jam 12 tengah malam dan reason aku tertidur bukan kerana aku sengaja atau mahu buat surprise tetapi adalah kerana aku adalah seorang Perempuan yang Paling Jauh dari Penghargaan. Menuding jari ke wang dan jarak adalah sesuatu yang bodoh kerana sepatutnya aku boleh berbuat sesuatu.

Sedih.

Dear Hanafee,
Masih sudikah awak menjadi suami saya?
Selamat Hari Jadi.

Astro First

Weee~ Now we can watch latest local movies at home!
15 ringgit per movie, not per person okeh. Boleh tgk ramai dengan datuk nenek pakcik makcik kawan kawan. Merapatkan Silaturrahim. =)
12 different viewing time! Boleh tgk puas puas, ulang ulang.
Non stop for 2 days! Saturday & Sunday? Monday and Tuesday? It's your call.
Langganlah Astro First Channel 480.

Ter-promote pulak. Hehe.

Watched Ngankung, Damping Malam and Aku Masih Dara with families yesterday. Best best. =D
It's a good feeling having to spend time with mom dad and siblings macam ni. Ketawa2 because we are so jakun dgn Astro First! Cam kampong ar kami. Rumah pun memang dah cam kampong. Haha.

Ngangkung was hilarious! Love the doctor's approach in giving advices. Lesson learnt: Sayangilah keluarga dan jauhilah nombor ekor!

Damping Malam was a bit slow at first but it's getting interesting towards the end. It's a family movie. A good reminder not to venture into the dark world...

Aku Masih Dara was awesome! Yes sexy clothes, daring acts... but whateva. It's the message that counts. I love the scripts and scenarios... it's happening in our society now....so close and so true... hmmph.

Erm...so what's up with the colorful bottle huh? Hehe. Because i wanna say to you...Have a Rainbowy Sunday with family and friends! Go go get the Astro First Now!! Da~

Selamat Hari Sayang Menyayangi

Sebenarnya tadi tgh buat post sempena hari sayang menyayang. Hanafee tetiba telefon and this is the snippets...

aku dengan excited-nya : "saya tgh buat post!"
dia reply nada penat sbb lepas main basket ball : "awak tak yah lah buat post."
aku musykil : "why?"
dia jawab : "Sebab awak tulis nanti tak romantik! hahahhaha. Biar saya yg tulis nanti. "

Cait! Maka aku pun memadam entri aku tu dan tulis entri sekarang yang korang tgh baca ni... *nada pura-pura sedih*


Anyway, selamat hari kasih sayang semua!
Sudah cakap i love you kat family?
Sudah cakap i love you kat kawan kawan?
Sudah cakap i love you kat binatang peliharaan atau ternakan? hehe

I love you readers. *smiles* i love you. keep reading ya? hehe. Da~

Mama

"You have to talk about it, it's wrong to shoulder everything all to yourself, its wrong and its selfish... you gotta let me help..."

"Help? Theres no helping anything, you think we're gonna talk about it and hug and everything is gonna be alright? This pain... this hole inside me... its killing me and i know i cant change anything, and that is the one thing that hurts the most, the fact that i could only stand there, do nothing, as i saw her breath her last gasp of air, nothing i can do about it. This image in my head, of weakness of unfairness, of me..... it hurts like hell...."

"....................."

"Now tell me, what can you possibly say to make me feel better?"


Im not okay. I dont think I'll ever be okay. It angered me early after it happened when people ask me "Are you okay?" I always answered "Im coping" or "Ill be okay." But no one seems to realize those answers means "Im not okay."

When someone dies..... Saying their name becomes weird... Everytime i say the word mama... I feel this pain... jolting my heart with a thousand needles in a split second.... Im not okay..... I dont wanna talk about it.... I do however.... wish she was here.... I dont have regrets... i always loved my mother, treated her like a queen..... i love every lost teeth.... lost toes.... thinning grey hair... her tendency to use tears as a weapon of guilt.... everything... I miss everything....

My mom used to ask for something i was eating after she was sure it was finish. Teaching me that it is always polite to ask if anyone once a taste. She taught me the great taste of yogurt!

I wanted to write something perfect..... but i cant.... my mother was not perfect.... she... like the trailing dots in this post.... she was imperfect.... but she gave me character.... personality... a voice....

Everyday i go to work, i smile, i laugh, i joke, and make everyone feel comfortable around me.... deep down.... Im not okay.... I miss mama..... how can i not miss mama...... when i dream... i dream of mama..... I miss mama.... I used to text her all the time that i miss her... and she would call and she would confirm... "bangpi hantar msg rindu mama ke?"

Writing this hurts.... thats why i could never do it...this isnt perfect.... it can never be perfect... it will never be perfect.... my muse... my inspiration.... my strength is gone.... so how can i write anymore? Im not okay.... Trust me... im not okay.... I cant call her anymore.... i cant msg her... i cant be disappointed when she tells me she isnt cooking when i come home....

People tell me i have to let her go..... but i cant.... i want to... if it makes her happy... i want to... but i cant.... because it hurts too much....i still think about her.... i still think sometimes... that shes still there when i see something i think she would love if i bought one for her.... then a second later im reminded.... she isnt there anymore.... I wanna wake up from this nightmare...... because im not okay.....

I dont wanna write this anymore... too many tears have been shed.... this is where this ends.... I love you mama..... I hope you know that.... mama... i love you..... Im sorry for the bad writing....

I love you Mama
Halijah Ahmad
1951 - 2009
Mother, friend, Inspiration

Al-Fatihah to Hanafee's Mother

I don't know how and where to start, it's been three weeks since the last update and lots of things had happened to us, especially Hanafee.

Dear all, Hanafee's mother had passed away on the 4th Syawal, last month. I wanted to inform you people about it here but I didn't know how to write it...I was speechless, wordless. Until now I don't even know how to construct sentences to add to this paragraph. *sads*

Hence, this entry will end here.

Al-Fatihah to mama,
Allahyarhamah Halijah bt. Ahmad
(28 July 1951- 23 Sept 2009)

Wait, now I have something to say.
Mama, I know you can't read this but I know God can listen to the words in my heart.. I love your son and I will try my best to take care of him and make him happy, and be an awesome wife to him. InsyaAllah. May you bless us from above. I love you too mama.

We might not have....

We might not have a villa with a swimming pool, maids...
We might not have Dato' Datin Tengku Raja...
We might not have Mercedes, BMW or Honda...
We might not have bling bling jewelleries...
We can't give the kids pocket money of hundreds or thousands per week, per month...

But we do have a good son.

That we know will take care of us when we are old..
That we know will pray for us when we are gone..
That we know will lead the family with Islamic values..

We DO have a GOOD son.

Sabda Rasulullah SAW:

"Apabila mati seseorang, akan terputus amalannya kecuali tiga perkara: sedekah jariah, ilmu yang dimanfaatkan dan anak yang soleh yang mendoakan untuknya"

p/s: My younger brother is going to India, soon. *smiles*

Fathers Day

The third week in June. Fathers day. I wanted to write something different this year. I always had this bad habit of being sad when I feel like I miss my dad. So this time no more. This post we'll be about all the things i remember my dad taught me.

The Kite

It had been a windy week and living by the beach, the wind really got you going sometimes. So one day my dad came home with two kites. and two rolls of thread. he helped us to Tie the knots and helped me and my younger brother (my 2 other brothers had things to do i guess) to start flying our kites. The wind was blowing so strong that my brothers thread kept snapping. My dad said the thread were old and they werent strong enough to hold the kite. I was proud that my kite was the only flying... having said that... i pulled my strings a little too strongly and my kite came tumbling down and broke into two. (alah layang layang yang kena buat dari lidi and plastic memang tak kuat pun)

So my dad decided to use my thread and my brothers kite. and the kite flew. Higher and higher. The wind was so strong and consistent the kite was kept flying for three days. my dad had tied the thread to a tree to let it keep on flying. On the third day, a friend came to our house and having the wonderful pride towards the three day kite, my brother and i bragged about it to our friend. Then it became and argument. The thread was mine but the kite was his. The argument got so heated up, out of anger we pulled the kite down and dismantled the kite and the thread. Me holding strong to my thread and my brother holding close to a kite without a thread. Then the wind died. and my dad came home and asked...

"eh mana layang-layang? putus lagi ke?"

"Tak abang fee dah amik balik benang abang..."

My dad was disappointed, i could still remember till this day, that look in his eyes (it was a preview of future disappointments at his boys) and he said.

Akan ada masa nanti, kamu tak boleh duduk sorang sorang... tgk layang layang tu... layang-layang takder benang takleh terbang... kamu takder adik beradik kamu... kamu pun takkan boleh "terbang". Boys, sometimes in life, the price you have to pay for flying high is sharing... who better to share it with if not family????

the kite never flew again... i had an explanation why... but thinking about it now... it didnt make sense... so i wont tell you...

The Addict Step Brother

I have a step brother named suffiyan. A lot older than me, he was 25 when i was 11. or something around those numbers. he had dropped out of UKM medicine faculty because he took drugs. (I never found out what kind of drugs). But he was the hope of my dad. My dad loved him so much, believed in him so much, had dreams for him. And he failed.

After he came back, things were never the same, my dad was always reminded of the disappointment he felt, and my step brother, abang pian, saw himself as a failure and that bred tension. So during one time, the topic of education came up and it again reminded my dad of his step son. After having too much of everything, my step brother bursted with anger.

"abah tak faham, kawan kawan pian dekat KL tu jealous dengan pian, dorang semua sengaja nak perkena pian, dorg semua tipu pian, dorg yang tipu pian untk ambik dadah, dorg semua jealous dengan pian.."

having heard that, my father stood up. and said

"what is it that you have that people would be jealous of? hah pian? apa yang kamu ada?"

he kept quiet. then abah continued.

"Boy do you know whats the worst thing about your failure? the worst thing about it is that, your failure is my failure. You thinking that everyone is jealous of the life you have, is because i never taught you to be humble, to carry yourself as an ordinary person and not someone better, it is because i taught you no humility, that you are not humble, it is because of your arrogance you are where you are today, and that is my fault."

I remembered every word, and years later in Rudyard Kipling i found the same advice

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch

Be humble, you might have enough for life, but you have nothing that anyone might be jealous about. i remember that, and i still believe in it. i keep my head down, and i have nothing that others want.

So here it is, i dont know whats the tone of this post, it sounds good. It sounds solid. So ill end it there.

dear abah,

abang fee rindu abah, sangat sangat, id trade anything, anything in my life to have just one more day with you. because i remember, that i never really appreciated you when you were here. I wish you could have met Sabrina, you would have loved her, shes just like you, bossy but smaller. I wish you could have seen my graduation day, the robe was green just like yours, i wish you could be here and teach me nya anto and abang wan to stop being boys, we're idiots still youre guidance now would have been much appreciated, i wish you could be here to hear my arguments, i swear im much more matured than before, i swear, i wish you were here.... I miss you abah.... we all do... Happy fathers day.

In memory of

Dr. Abdul Rahman bin Juman

Father, Husband, friend, voice of reason.

When lil brother falls sick...

Danial falls sick. Fever.
His temperature is high enough it makes him uncomfortable.
He puked twice.

I was panicked a bit because I didn't know where to start.
I was blur for minutes.
Today is Sunday and Mom is at the mosque, from morning till noon.
Dad is not around, he's out, helping his friend with computer problem.

I wondered if the temperature would "cook" his brain, causing permanent damage.
Hmmph, me and my complicated mind.

Being me, I turned to Google.
I googled "How to care for a sick child"

So while waiting for my parents to be home....
I put damp towel on my brother's forehead.
Took off his clothing though the room is not hot.
I covered him with thin cloth.
And I let him sleep.

He's sleeping now and here I am blogging about it.
*smiles*

Pengorbanan Seorang Perempuan

bangun tidur
sapu lantai bilik
mop lantai bilik
sapu lantai bilik kali ke-2 (bile lantai dah kering)
cuci toilet bilik
buang sampah bilik
letak plastik sampah yang baru
dah habis kemas bilik
boleh mandi dengan senang hati

Pergh... ni baru satu bilik kecik...
belum bilik besar lagi...
belum masuk bilik-bilik lain lagi...
belum masuk toilet-toilet lain lagi...
belum kira ruang tamu lagi...
belum kira dapur lagi...
belum kira halaman rumah lagi...

kalau rumah kecik.. macam senang, ye tak??

belum rumah besar lagi..
belum rumah besar 2 tingkat lagi..
kalau orang tu rumah 3 tingkat cenggane??!!

haih...

patutlah orang-orang kaya ada pembantu rumah..
patutlah surirumah yg takde pembantu rumah mengadu kepenatan..
kemas rumah lagi...
kene jaga anak anak lagi...
masak lagi...
jaga kecantikan diri supaya suami senang hati lagi...
itu kalau isteri duk rumah tak bekerja..

kalau bekerja???

haih...

patutlah kadang-kadang perempuan terlepas pandang bab-bab kebersihan rumah...bab anak..bab masak..bab kecantikan diri.
sebab banyak benda nak kene fikir, nak kena urus.

patutlah emak bising kalau cawan dah minum letak bersepah..
patutlah ibu bising kalau bilik tak kemas..
patutlah mama bising kalau sampah tak buang...
patutlah mommy bising kalau habuk rokok merata-rata
patutlah abah senyap je bila mak bebel sebab dia pun buat bende salah yang sama macam anak dia... hahahha
patutlah mak sedih bila anak anak tak dengar kata... =(

sebab....mengemas itu penat okay??!!!
sebab jadi surirumah itu penat okay??
sebab jadi perempuan itu leceh okay??

apa?? saya comot?? sapa suh saya fikir macam macam??

baiklah.
awak uruskan rumah sendiri.
awak uruskan makan pakai awak sendiri.
awak uruskan perangai akhlak anak anak.
awak uruskan kewangan keluarga.
awak uruskan bil bil semua.

saya boleh relax.
saya boleh buat rambut. saya boleh buat kuku. saya boleh buat duit.
peduli apa saya kalau rumah terumbang ambing, anak anak nakal.
yg penting, isteri cantik, awak bangga.
pastu lelaki lain bawak lari
awak mahu itu?

*senyum*

hehe. maaf. entri ini sebenarnya pasal kebersihan. termasuk hal rumah tangga pulak. hahahhahaha.

macam sudah kahwin pulak.
*gelak hell lagi*

kesimpulannya,
marilah menghargai pengorbanan ibu, emak, mama, ummi, mommy
marilah menghargai pengorbanan isteri

marilah menjaga kebersihan.

*kenyit mata*

Ramadhan and Syawal

It has been awhile since i had written anything in this blog. My last post was on the 11th of September titled "Pendatang" so first and foremost thank you my Sweet Summer for keeping this blog rolling while I was desperately out of inspiration.

Now enough with hellos and handshakes and straight to the agenda for today. I had not had the chance to wish readers happy ramadhan and happy upcoming syawal. As much as i would like everyone to know that I have the highest of regards for this two Islam months, it has not been the best of friends in my past. My father during his life, had loved Ramadhan always motivating us to fast and later rewarding us with anything we wanted to eat. I remember days when my dad would come home and see me pale faced and tired and he would tell me

"takper... berapa jam je lagi... sabar k boy??"

We would also cuddle together in the living room when i was little with my brothers on the couch, my mom right beside my dad on the carpet in the living room floor while he placed me and my youngest brother gently and neatly under his arms and he began telling us stories of what faith could achieve. Faith in Islam. Every raya morning my dad would wake us al four boys up and he would take us all to "sembahyang" raya and right after come home for the first meal of the day. My mom would be first in line to apologize to my dad. And my youngest brother last and up until he was 9 still ended the session with "abah duit raya mana????" and we ate and we sat and we would be happy. My dad would refuse to think about his stressful job, my mom would be all busy cooking, and my brothers would be too busy watching Feminin or KRU or 4u2c on the television set. And i would sit somewhere watching.

After my father passed away...................

Things were never the same.

If youve been wondering what kind of post is this... its a confession... confession to why i have never been happy about raya, or never been upbeat about raya.....

My Father made Ramadhan and Syawal so special, that sometimes i feel that without him, there is no point in going through any of it, none the less i do it. I fast, i go home and i go to the mosque and i celebrate raya but all, with spirit of only going through the motions. Yes i do miss him, and yes if i could, i would celebrate as if he was still alive.

I dont mean to pull everyone down with me. You should enjoy your Syawal and Ramadhan. Make the memories count, but the other day my friends and i during talking asked me a question...

"If you could have one wish during lailatul Qadar, what would you ask for??"

You can probably guess the few typical and non typical answers, money, wealth, health, iman, faith, belief... i off course answered Money.... However deep in my heart i questioned....

Would be possible if my dad could come back to life for just one day of puasa and one day hari raya??? Just those two days so we could sit one more time in that place while he speak to us in tht voice that when i remember now, brings tears to my eyes.... that warmth.... that stare.... Can Lailatul Qadar bring my father back??????????

This year... it doesnt feel different... it still feels empty... it still feels sad.... its still different.

My Second brother who is married might be celebrating raya at his wifes house which is fine i guess. So that leaves me with Mom, My oldest brother and my youngest brother. 4 of us...

People who know me i dont tend to turn to God when i have a problem, only when i am at my best and when i happy i turn to God to thank him for everything. But this will be my 11th Raya without my Dad so i say this to God...

"God, give me strength to smile on the eve of celebration... so my mother will smile with me....
God give strength to hold my tears on the morning of celebration.. So my mother will think i am happy...
God give me heart... so i can enjoy it just a little bit like when my dad was alive....
God give me..... Give me anything... let me fake happiness for the people around me....
God.... help..."

p/s - Remember those you have with you... you'll never know when they'll be gone.... Love them like theres no tomorrow... because they loved you yesterday... like there is no today...
p/s and p/s - pic was taken from sebolku.blogspot.com and i added a message.... that was the color of my dads last baju raya when i was twelve...

Selamat hari Raya people....

Happy Birthday Angah!!!

Today is September 5, 2008
It’s my brother’s 19th birthday!!!

Happy Birthday, Angah!!!

This post is my online gift for you.
Sian birthday bulan puasa ye..
Takpe, perhaps later I’ll come to Seremban with Fee.

Selamat Hari Jadi~~
Semoga panjang umur, murah rezeki,
Sihat tubuh badan
Cerdik akal fikiran
Cemerlang dunia akhirat.

I Thank God for giving me a great brother like you
who knows how to take care of the family
who knows when and how to advice the sisters (though sometimes it’s harsh)
I thank you. Syirah and me thank you.
you, who lead by example.

I hope and pray you stay/improve the way you are.
And may all your prayers and wishes come true.
I love you.

Happy Birthday, again.

Before this I had introduced my sister yang bermuke panjang kan?
Now let me introduce you to my “hidung-besar” brother!!!
How about me? Hmmph. Ok la. Diorang ejek aku muke jerawat. Cait~!!!
It’s ok, I am still cute despite the pimples. Haha.

He’s the first son of the family
which makes him the leader among us, the siblings.
He is so into design his Photoshop skills are better than mine. Damn.
He likes to take pictures. The camera selalu ada dengan dia. Tak aci!!
His hobby is tengok wayang kat cinema sorang-sorang
which I think he got it from my uncle, Pak Long.
Currently in International Baccalaureate (IB) program, Kolej Mara Seremban.
Going to pursue medicine oversea.
Insya-Allah.

Ape? Status?
Hmmph. Entahlah. Tak dapat dicungkil.
LOL =D

Happy Birthday Syirah!!

Today is my younger sister's birthday!!
she is sixteen now.
oleh kerana birthday dia jatuh pada hari dia di asrama
dan dia tak boleh nak bawak handphone
maka dengan rajinnya dier telah telefon semua ahli keluarga
nak tuntut ucapan happy birthday.
hee hee~

Dear Syirah,
if ur reading this...
(i know ur gonna have to read this coz i'm gonna ask you to. haha.)

Happy 16th Birthday!!!
too bad u have to celebrate it at school...
but from my experience,
it's a way more fun celebrating it there
with friends and admirers and boyfriend
to give you chocolates and gifts and perhaps bears?
=P

Belajar rajin rajin kamu!!
Jgn asyik kawad or basketball je!!
ketawa tu jgn besar besar. nanti muke makin panjang!!
wahhahahaha
=p

Selamat Hari Lahir again.
Semoga panjang umur murah rezeki
dikurniakan akal yang sempurna
berjaya dunia dan akhirat
and
don't do something i wouldn't do.
=)

even though u
has no pimple just yet,
taller than me
fleshier than me
better in kitchen than me
i am still ur big sister and
i am cuter than you
wahahhahhaha
=P

this post is my gift for you.
i love you.
i do.
take care.

Happy Birthday Irman Abdul Rahman

Brother,

In a broken family without an outstanding father figure, you reluctantly took the role as father and role model. Wanting to pave a better mentality, a better mindset and a better target for your brothers. In times of darkness you did not question your capacity but rather you spent the awkward years of your life trying to be as comfortable as possible in order to make us (your brothers) feel a little better and a little braver to face the future that lied ahead of us.

As a brother you questioned mediocrity always challenging your brothers to be better to be much more than you can ever be. And often times we questioned our capacity, because we knew it took more than just being another man in order to stand up as tall as you do, but rather to stand with you we needed to be extraordinary, like you. You questioned not only things you saw but rather life as well. You questioned it to the extent that you made others believe that there is always a better way of doing things. You questioned our actions but only to the extent of making us think for ourselves whether we could do it better the next time around. You laughed at our mistakes but you supported us even in making our mistakes. Your support knew no prejudice nor discrimination.

As a friend you debated and you discussed, you taught us that sometimes life throws a rock at you and you bleed, but you stand up again because that is what men do. You taught us how to be men, good kind men. You were always easy to ask how we were doing and never tire of giving us advice. You stood above all else and when we listen, we placed your words above everyone elses because we knew you were credible.

As a brother you knew when to say no. You knew to tell us that we were moving too fast or too slow. And sometimes you told us when to stop and when to keep moving.

You're humble, sometimes to the extent that others around you feel uncomfortable with how humble you are, at age 28 you got your phd. A very young age and yet you tell others a Phd is nothing more than just knowing a little more than you knew 3 years before, but those within the family knew the deserving act for a lost fathers acknowledgment. You carry yourself in a manner unknown to others in your field, with grace, virtue and elegance. You're Dr. but it does not bother you to sound like an idiot. That is truly a gesture of a great man.

Youre sentimental, a bad bowler but a gracious loser. You know youre smart but you tell your brothers they're smarter and even though we hint a dash of cynicism, we also hint a dash of truth. Because sometimes we truly believe you believe we are smarter.

there is nothing i can buy you to make up for the things youve done for me. You are an extraordinary father, monumental husband, gigantic brother, colossal academician and thinker, true friend, and a son of epic proportions. The only true gift i can ever give you is the acknowledgment. So much so is the tradition in our family, our fathers acknowledgment has always been overwhelming, then i say to you this, my acknowledgment is that you are a deserving human being, you have earned every right to be where you are today, you deserve it and more. Your story my brother.... will be legendary...

Happy Birthday
Irman Abdul Rahman
25th June 1979
(29 years old today)

Fathers day

My dad passed away when i was 12 and in the distinct chatters of the friends rivaled in my life i have come to realize that i do not miss my dad.

I dont, i just dont miss my dad. Yeah sure youre going to think "Apa punya anak lah..." but i dont i honestly do not miss my dad.

Why would i miss him? He was loud when he spoke but he spoke very little...

He was annoying, i mean who wouldnt think he was annoying, he was so passionate about certain things and when he did speak he spoke as if it was his whole life. Who miss that idealistic and dream world he had in his mind for his children?? It was so unrealistic how much he expected of us and how he expected us to be men of our own and not moulded by him. Why would i miss someone who gave me so much freedom to think and to be idealistic.

He was obnoxiously lousy at admitting his faults, when he did something wrong he would hide a smile as if he didnt do anything wrong, who would miss that? Oh and his obsession with catching his own fish, determined to prove that even in this new world and age we can still catch our dinner and lunch, so old fashioned.

Have i mentioned how competitive he was? Orwh he would never admit defeat. I remembered this one time playing carrom with him and how he would stick his finger on the hole so our chips wouldnt fall in... and how he always walked away from a chess game telling me "Abah Ada keja lah" just when he realized he was gonna lose. Why would i miss that?

Why would i miss the way he told me and my brothers how smart we are... it wasnt even true. i think he was just saying it to make us feel better... its not like we need his protection... why would i miss him being so overprotective.

He used to beat me you know... he used to beat me senseless with my brothers, so what if we did something dangerous he shouldnt have the right to dictate our lives... i dont miss his beatings just because he did it because he was worried we might get into trouble and put ourself in a dangerous position doesnt mean its the right thing to do. I dont miss him caring what i do.

He used to force me and my brothers to sing sepuluh budak hitam in the car to keep him awake, yeah of course we learned to appreciate the song because it tied my brothers and i to a similar past but hey why didnt he just sing it??? He had to force us to sing it.

He's annoyingly proud too, when he walked into the house, the house would feel like everything was going to be ok. Everyone in the house trusted him. Yeah so he deserved it but he didnt need to gloat. So what if we trusted him with everything we have and will ever have? So what if he always found a way to make us keep moving and be better and made sure there was always food on the table??? it was his job. So what if he was an amazing teacher, educator and friend?? So what?

Oh and have i told you how he is so proud of his intelligence? Yeah so you have a phd that doesnt impress me... Yeah i know we all ended up today wanting a phd but that doesnt mean its because of you... it could because of other things too.. so what if you wrote about the inequality of how teachers were treated? So what if you wrote about the failing education system that needs revamping.. so what if you wrote the Prime Ministers speech when he was in Sabah? that doesnt make you proud.

So what if you took the time after sahur to cuddle the family together in the living room and told us stories about magic lands and islamic importance?? So what if i fell asleep on your shoulders because i have learned to understand the warmth of that of a father and how you cared? So what? Just because you taught me how to be an intelligent young men who questions everything and learn everything doesnt mean i should miss you....

So what if i cried when you passed away? I had something in my eye... i wasnt really crying... I wasnt really crying.... i never cried.....

I dont miss you... I dont miss you... i really dont miss you.... why would i miss you.....

*crying* happy fathers day dad.... I dont miss you... but we all do..... Happy fathers day

Dr. Abdul Rahman bin Juman
(1944-1997)
Son, brother, father and the voice of reason.

from your sons
Irwan Abdul Rahman
Irman Abdul Rahman
Hanafee Abdul Rahman
Mohd. Khairery Abdul Rahman
(We Miss You)

p/s - i wrote this on the eve of fathers day..... im sorry i posted it late... no pictures... gambar abah semua kat umah

Happy Birthday Danial

May you be blessed with loved ones
May you be blessed with friends
May you be blessed with good health
May you be blessed with happiness
Those are the treasure that money can’t buy
Happy birthday Ahmad Danial !!

My cheerful little brother turns 7 today. =)

walaupun dia tak paham.
Tapi nampak gambar dia dalam internet pun dia dah suke.
hehe

New years and my dad

My family has a weird tradition on new years eve's. We usually wait for my dad to come back from a corporate party of some sort and then we spend the whole night watching tv together with the whole family..... watching anything that is shown on the tv and we all sit together while my mom makes something like fish sticks or nuggets to just nibble on. Ever since my dad left.. it was never the same. Transitionally maybe because we also had to go off somewhere at sometime and we never had a long period together.

I'm spending this new years with my girlfriend little miss Summer. I am excited about it. Ive never had the chance to spend new years with anyone other than myself or my family. So this is new for me. Spending new years with someone i love entirely. Thanx Summer for inviting me.

My dad and new years have always had some sort of effect on me. It feels like when i lose a year, im losing him all over again. After he died i once remembered picking up this little black book he always used. Where i found he wrote something under the first of January..

"A new day has begun, with it bringing a new year, which means a new hope, a new beginning, something to start a fresh, where all our past sins become trivial, where all our future hopes become so bright. My only hope is that my sons begins this year knowing that it can be better than the year before...."

Ever since i read it, i have never looked at the beginning of the year and say "this year is going to suck..." but rather "this is going to be a hell of a year..."

:) its been a great thing my father taught us. Something i will never remember. And every year when i feel like ive just lost him again, i hear the booming of fire-works in the distant of skies, and i realized, i didnt lose him, he's just reminding me that "this year has passed move on and create a better one.."

So this blog... is for my dad... I Miss You.... Heaven knows i wish you were here to see Miss Summer and love her like i do...

Btw the pic was taken from postsecrets.blogspot.com and i think it says exactly what i feel hehe