The third week in June. Fathers day. I wanted to write something different this year. I always had this bad habit of being sad when I feel like I miss my dad. So this time no more. This post we'll be about all the things i remember my dad taught me.
It had been a windy week and living by the beach, the wind really got you going sometimes. So one day my dad came home with two kites. and two rolls of thread. he helped us to Tie the knots and helped me and my younger brother (my 2 other brothers had things to do i guess) to start flying our kites. The wind was blowing so strong that my brothers thread kept snapping. My dad said the thread were old and they werent strong enough to hold the kite. I was proud that my kite was the only flying... having said that... i pulled my strings a little too strongly and my kite came tumbling down and broke into two. (alah layang layang yang kena buat dari lidi and plastic memang tak kuat pun)
So my dad decided to use my thread and my brothers kite. and the kite flew. Higher and higher. The wind was so strong and consistent the kite was kept flying for three days. my dad had tied the thread to a tree to let it keep on flying. On the third day, a friend came to our house and having the wonderful pride towards the three day kite, my brother and i bragged about it to our friend. Then it became and argument. The thread was mine but the kite was his. The argument got so heated up, out of anger we pulled the kite down and dismantled the kite and the thread. Me holding strong to my thread and my brother holding close to a kite without a thread. Then the wind died. and my dad came home and asked...
"eh mana layang-layang? putus lagi ke?"
"Tak abang fee dah amik balik benang abang..."
My dad was disappointed, i could still remember till this day, that look in his eyes (it was a preview of future disappointments at his boys) and he said.
Akan ada masa nanti, kamu tak boleh duduk sorang sorang... tgk layang layang tu... layang-layang takder benang takleh terbang... kamu takder adik beradik kamu... kamu pun takkan boleh "terbang". Boys, sometimes in life, the price you have to pay for flying high is sharing... who better to share it with if not family????
the kite never flew again... i had an explanation why... but thinking about it now... it didnt make sense... so i wont tell you...
The Addict Step Brother
I have a step brother named suffiyan. A lot older than me, he was 25 when i was 11. or something around those numbers. he had dropped out of UKM medicine faculty because he took drugs. (I never found out what kind of drugs). But he was the hope of my dad. My dad loved him so much, believed in him so much, had dreams for him. And he failed.
After he came back, things were never the same, my dad was always reminded of the disappointment he felt, and my step brother, abang pian, saw himself as a failure and that bred tension. So during one time, the topic of education came up and it again reminded my dad of his step son. After having too much of everything, my step brother bursted with anger.
"abah tak faham, kawan kawan pian dekat KL tu jealous dengan pian, dorang semua sengaja nak perkena pian, dorg semua tipu pian, dorg yang tipu pian untk ambik dadah, dorg semua jealous dengan pian.."
having heard that, my father stood up. and said
"what is it that you have that people would be jealous of? hah pian? apa yang kamu ada?"
he kept quiet. then abah continued.
"Boy do you know whats the worst thing about your failure? the worst thing about it is that, your failure is my failure. You thinking that everyone is jealous of the life you have, is because i never taught you to be humble, to carry yourself as an ordinary person and not someone better, it is because i taught you no humility, that you are not humble, it is because of your arrogance you are where you are today, and that is my fault."
I remembered every word, and years later in Rudyard Kipling i found the same advice
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch
Be humble, you might have enough for life, but you have nothing that anyone might be jealous about. i remember that, and i still believe in it. i keep my head down, and i have nothing that others want.
So here it is, i dont know whats the tone of this post, it sounds good. It sounds solid. So ill end it there.
abang fee rindu abah, sangat sangat, id trade anything, anything in my life to have just one more day with you. because i remember, that i never really appreciated you when you were here. I wish you could have met Sabrina, you would have loved her, shes just like you, bossy but smaller. I wish you could have seen my graduation day, the robe was green just like yours, i wish you could be here and teach me nya anto and abang wan to stop being boys, we're idiots still youre guidance now would have been much appreciated, i wish you could be here to hear my arguments, i swear im much more matured than before, i swear, i wish you were here.... I miss you abah.... we all do... Happy fathers day.
In memory of
Dr. Abdul Rahman bin Juman
Father, Husband, friend, voice of reason.