11th April, Daddy's Orked; Hanee Hanafee turns Four!
I take a day off from work to spend time with my daughter. This year, mommy tak order cake pun. Because... Why birthday mesti ada cake? Why? Why? So no cake this year, for a change. Hahaha. Teruk punya mommy. Kiki.
Usually for the last three years, i would order birthday cakes from aunty Shaleen. Loyal customer tau. Hihi.
Yesterday, aunty Jane bagi Hanee hadiah toys doctor². She cried coz she was expecting toys princess². Adei... Suruh cakap thank you kat aunty Jane pun dia tak nak. Bertuah punya anak. And then after hantar aunty Jane balik, we hunted for toys princess², tetiba dia nampak toys pizza², as always, dia nak beli dua²! Being a mother, of course i said no, choose one only, and we ended up buying the pizza toys.
And then bila da dlm kereta, dia siap bilang... "Doctor ada, pizza ada, princess belum". Facepalm mommy okay. "u already have princess toys last year. But u didnt play it that much. Mintak toys yg awk nak main sahaja okay" "okay...i am sorry mommy"
Sometimes i wonder whether i pamper her? But i have tried my very best to be the best version of cool mother any kid would love to have. Hahaha. Ok gebang je lebih.
In reality, i am garang nak mampos. Kasar tak ingat dunia. To her. And any family members wouldn't deny it. They have witnessed it, the monster-mother side of me. And i am not proud of that, i tell u. I am not.
I feel bad. I feel like everyday i am sinning... coz of the way i treat and jaga her. With her status as anak yatim. Sudahlah memang diri byk dosa² lain.. I dont know.. i can do better. I am better than this. But the fact that Allah chose me as her mother... And she as my daughter... That means something.. something i should be thankful for. We are best for each other. I didnt pick her. She didnt pick me. We are destined for each other. AllahuAkbar.
So on this beautiful day, this is my wish, hope n prayer for u Hanee:
I pray u to grow up dgn sihat sempurna tubuh badan, akal fikiran.
I pray u to be wiser and matured and independent beyond your age, coz i dont know how long am gonna be around..
I pray u to always remember Allah, ok right now maybe u dont know what Allah Tuhan God is, but sooner or later u will know. And when the time comes.. i want u to learn about Islam by heart. Be solehah by heart.
I pray u to always be protected by Allah, guided by Allah.
I pray u to have a big heart and forgive mommy and daddy, maktok, tok abah, uncles, aunties, everyone that have hurt u intentionally or unintentionally. Pls forgive us, sayang.
And i want u to know that i am sorry for everything and i love u with all my heart. I hurt u, i am mad at u, all that because i dont want u to be like me. I want u to be better than me.
Happy 4th Birthday Hanee sayang.
4 years and counting.
We have gone this far and we are gonna keep on dancing and rocking, dear!
I love u Hanee, my baby superhero. I do.
Hugs and kisses,
Your Mommy Wonderwoman