Happy New Year 2008!

The beginning of 2008 was indeed a beautiful one for me. I was all smiles, filled with hope and thankfulness of what the New Year may bring. Of course, I can’t help but to celebrate the beginning of New Year with darling Seth. Thanks to mom and dad.

Actually, am too tired to write a long post.

Kene kemas barang lagi sikit and do final check for things because

tomorrow is gonna be a long journey way back to jungle of Pahang!!

So people,

Happy New Year 2008!!

Anyway, what's your resolution this year?

*smiles*

New years and my dad

My family has a weird tradition on new years eve's. We usually wait for my dad to come back from a corporate party of some sort and then we spend the whole night watching tv together with the whole family..... watching anything that is shown on the tv and we all sit together while my mom makes something like fish sticks or nuggets to just nibble on. Ever since my dad left.. it was never the same. Transitionally maybe because we also had to go off somewhere at sometime and we never had a long period together.

I'm spending this new years with my girlfriend little miss Summer. I am excited about it. Ive never had the chance to spend new years with anyone other than myself or my family. So this is new for me. Spending new years with someone i love entirely. Thanx Summer for inviting me.

My dad and new years have always had some sort of effect on me. It feels like when i lose a year, im losing him all over again. After he died i once remembered picking up this little black book he always used. Where i found he wrote something under the first of January..

"A new day has begun, with it bringing a new year, which means a new hope, a new beginning, something to start a fresh, where all our past sins become trivial, where all our future hopes become so bright. My only hope is that my sons begins this year knowing that it can be better than the year before...."

Ever since i read it, i have never looked at the beginning of the year and say "this year is going to suck..." but rather "this is going to be a hell of a year..."

:) its been a great thing my father taught us. Something i will never remember. And every year when i feel like ive just lost him again, i hear the booming of fire-works in the distant of skies, and i realized, i didnt lose him, he's just reminding me that "this year has passed move on and create a better one.."

So this blog... is for my dad... I Miss You.... Heaven knows i wish you were here to see Miss Summer and love her like i do...

Btw the pic was taken from postsecrets.blogspot.com and i think it says exactly what i feel hehe

Big Jigsaw Puzzle

I grew up with a heart that wanted to love the whole world. It was great... at times it was very painful... some other moments I felt numb. At one point in my life. I decided to give up on my heart. I decided to give up on my feelings. I separated my emotions and lived a cold unhappy life. I became selfish, I became the most self centered person anyone could know, I became cold, I was lost, drifting away in non special moments, and made life miserable for those around me.

But one day, I decided to pick up the pieces of broken little me. It was tough and difficult. Because I had broken myself into very little pieces, I was everywhere. And sometimes I couldn’t find the pieces to fit myself back. At times I almost gave up. Because it was just too hard. Along the way, I was guided to find these broken pieces. There were a lot of people who supported me, who never once, gave up on me no matter what.

And I thought to myself. Even others don’t give up on me. Why am I giving up on myself? Why torture my own self? And then. I had a 180 degrees change of mind. I continued my search. But with a different outlook. I felt excited, I felt eager, and looking for these broken pieces became a challenge instead. And the search goes on... even until today.

And every time I find a piece of myself, there's a sigh of relief. A beautiful moment that I share and celebrate with everyone around me. Sometimes, I blind myself. I pretend not to find that piece. I deny that it’s my piece. Then I think again, why deny me? And so I turn to acceptance, accepting that little piece that perhaps I hate so much. Sometimes I blind myself again, and I have people around me, who found my special piece, and I am ever so grateful for such moments in my life.

And then one day. I found all the pieces to my heart. And that was a moment in my life that I would never ever forget. Because of that day, I am truly blessed. From time to time, my heart will break, again, because this is life, where nothing is perfect, but because of that special day... I will never ever again... give up on my heart. I’m still looking for my other pieces. I’ll look forever, until there's no tomorrow to look for.

Because... my life is a jigsaw puzzle... a big one... putting it all together until I breathe my last breath. And to those around me, I’d like to acknowledge u for being a part of my jigsaw puzzle.

I thank u.

The Hero

In literature... The hero is defined as a main character who undergoes a journey and is transformed to be a better person by the end of the journey. An antagonist who always tries to do the right thing. Even if it was something bad, it would usually be justified.

In todays culture a hero is symbolized through various ways. We have the more famous superheroes like Superman, Batman, Spiderman etc. In greek mythology or history we have that of Achilles, Hercules, Philatetis. Malay culture we have Tuah, Nadim and they were all considered heroes. Having your name written amongst these men would probably seem cool but i would actually disagree. Okay! explanation time, the reason why im writing this blog is because late late night in bed my friends and i had this discussion (more like small talk actually) where they said "


"wouldnt it be great if we had superpowers where we could save the world??"

Yeah its a childish conversation to have, but everything can be "matured" you know. I disagreed in quiet. The hero complex happens to every guy. Well almost every guy. The need to protect. The need to save. The need to be looked up to. But not all are built this way. There so much great thing to be admired towards a hero. Like a story, but whats more important is the stories that are left untold.

A hero is lonely. He will never truly be happy with anyone. This is my theory. The larger-than-life you become, the more the lack of little things hurt you. Lets take some examples, Superman will out-live any women he is in love with. Whats even worst so will his child. Both of them (or more) will have to go through the agony of losing a loved one, maybe more than once in their long life time. and since supermans child would be half human, the child might not even be immortal. NOTHING is more wrong than having to bury your own child. He will feel that and its inevitable.

Batman has lost both of his parents and not being able to stick to one relationship, he will probably die alone in his room, robin will get older, and die all the same and no one will ever really know them...

Achilles will have blood stained on his hands forever, the eyes of the people he killed will haunt his dreams and he cannot share his nightmare (to be exact) with anyone. I mean come on, he killed the cousin of his lover, theres no way that relationship is going to work.

Tuah, has had to go through the death of three of his five brothers and having to kill his last brother by himself. Killing your brother, the only fragment of your past where you lived with a smile. Betrayed by the people he believed in most. He, will die knowing he ended his brothers life, for the sake of people who earlier tried to execute him.

Can we live like a hero? Can we save the people around us not just from everything else but also from themselves?? Can we stay alone for the rest of our lives??

These so called hero has one problem and one problem only. The fact that they are larger than life. The fact that they are larger than life makes everyone around them think, that maybe, they dont need trivialities such a hand to hold, a loved one to hug, a brother to talk to, a family..........

When you are larger than life... then everything else seems trivial. that is why in the end... what hero wants.... is to be normal.... to like everyone else... to be average... to live life not be larger than it....

someone once said "living is not about the moments that you take a breath... but moments that take your breath away..."

possibly, in taking away other people breaths by creating moments... these heroes.. forgot to have moments that take their breaths away....

Making choices

Again i will write about the problem that everyone still face. From the youngest reader reading this, to the oldest reader available. It might get easier to face for the older and seasoned individual but for the young ones, its a matter of trying to get it right. The problem of making a choice.

For as long as i can remember, i have always wanted to have a masters degree and a phd. A doctrate in English literature, has always been a dream of mine. Dr. Hanafee Abdul Rahman. Blood makes me queasy so its only logical that i was going to have an academic phd. Where's the choice?? This is something that no one knows. For the past few months, i have been having doubts whether or not i want to pursue my oldest dream ever. As trivial to most as it would seem, right now i am having doubts of going on with my life-long plan ever since i was 12. I am actually thinking about working after my degree and save up some money to be able to do the things i wanna do. My head tells me:

"Are you nuts!!!!???? Youve wanted this ever since you could talk!!! youve wanted this longer than youve wanted a transformer figurine!!!"

and i wanna listen to it... but my heart is telling me....

"Someones waiting... can you really wait 6 more years? Maybe you can... but can she?? do you want her to wait that long?"

Most of you might be saying "He's throwing his future for a girl...." and some might say "He's being practical..." or "Thats sweet... shes so important to him..."

Why am i writing this down?? because... its been the only thing Ive been thinking about today... 600 years ago shakespeare wrote about the same thing i am writing about today, "To be or not to be...." and if shakespeare couldnt answer it... its only fair i dwell on this matter longer...

My brother once said, "When all else fails... go with your heart..."
Hopefully one day i will look back and dont regret the decision i make...

"I shall be telling this with a sigh...
somewhere ages and ages hence...
two roads diverged in a yellow wood and i....
i took the one less traveled by...
and that has made all the difference..."

:) hope its the kind of different im going to like....

Today is...

Today is the second day of Sacrifice Day (Eid al-Adha). Today is blog entry #11. Today is the day Dad being generous. Today is the day I got green.

Today Seth is happy because Summer is happy. Today is for nothing else but sharing the happiness.

Today is the day to give an honest answer and to avoid awkward conversation. Today is a great day to expose my result – 3.71, dean’s list. Today I hope when semester opens they won’t come up to me and ask about it in the future.

Today is a great day to say thank you for all that I have and have experienced. Today I can thank God, mom, dad and darling Seth. Today I want to thank my lectures and fellow friends.

Today I wish my siblings are going to have the same luck with their results (PMR and IB).

Today is the good start of giving people something to think about. Today is the reminder that there is no right or wrong, only we who make it so.

Tomorrow will be a great day to feel like a stress bunny and to figure out how to find solutions for my untouched part 2 thesis.

Today is day to say. YAY! Hehe

Gaming frenzy

A few days ago my friend/temporary roomate (din) brought back from his house a router... more like a connecting hub to join our four available pc in our rooms into one connection... For one particular reason... Network gaming.. and that is what have been going on in our room... We play all kinds of games from Tiberium Wars (CNC) Frozen Throne (DOTA) Sega Tennis, PES, and every other game that you can think of... Now its fun and all but if you think carefully.... Its actually rather tiring haha....

We wake up and then play games... then we eat... then more games.. then we have our afternoon tea... and more games... then games the entire night... and games until we all fall asleep on our keyboards.... oh yeah sometimes the afternoon tea and lunch and dinner is done while we're gaming... hahha... i love my friends but i have to say.. if i dont start being more productive with my thesis... i might never get it finish hehhe...

I have never really been a gamer... I play the particular few games just to catch up.. but never spend more than 5 hours doing it... since we got the hub.. i feel as if my life revolves around playing games.. its like eating comes second games first... sometimes i like it sometimes i dread the addiction... an addiction you love to hate... hehhe

But sometimes.... i like it.. having to be able to connect with my friends.. talking to them about things i didnt understand before this... but all i know is this... i need to stop the addiction before the next semester starts or I AM DOOMED