Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ramadhan and Syawal


It has been awhile since i had written anything in this blog. My last post was on the 11th of September titled "Pendatang" so first and foremost thank you my Sweet Summer for keeping this blog rolling while I was desperately out of inspiration.

Now enough with hellos and handshakes and straight to the agenda for today. I had not had the chance to wish readers happy ramadhan and happy upcoming syawal. As much as i would like everyone to know that I have the highest of regards for this two Islam months, it has not been the best of friends in my past. My father during his life, had loved Ramadhan always motivating us to fast and later rewarding us with anything we wanted to eat. I remember days when my dad would come home and see me pale faced and tired and he would tell me

"takper... berapa jam je lagi... sabar k boy??"

We would also cuddle together in the living room when i was little with my brothers on the couch, my mom right beside my dad on the carpet in the living room floor while he placed me and my youngest brother gently and neatly under his arms and he began telling us stories of what faith could achieve. Faith in Islam. Every raya morning my dad would wake us al four boys up and he would take us all to "sembahyang" raya and right after come home for the first meal of the day. My mom would be first in line to apologize to my dad. And my youngest brother last and up until he was 9 still ended the session with "abah duit raya mana????" and we ate and we sat and we would be happy. My dad would refuse to think about his stressful job, my mom would be all busy cooking, and my brothers would be too busy watching Feminin or KRU or 4u2c on the television set. And i would sit somewhere watching.

After my father passed away...................

Things were never the same.

If youve been wondering what kind of post is this... its a confession... confession to why i have never been happy about raya, or never been upbeat about raya.....

My Father made Ramadhan and Syawal so special, that sometimes i feel that without him, there is no point in going through any of it, none the less i do it. I fast, i go home and i go to the mosque and i celebrate raya but all, with spirit of only going through the motions. Yes i do miss him, and yes if i could, i would celebrate as if he was still alive.

I dont mean to pull everyone down with me. You should enjoy your Syawal and Ramadhan. Make the memories count, but the other day my friends and i during talking asked me a question...

"If you could have one wish during lailatul Qadar, what would you ask for??"

You can probably guess the few typical and non typical answers, money, wealth, health, iman, faith, belief... i off course answered Money.... However deep in my heart i questioned....

Would be possible if my dad could come back to life for just one day of puasa and one day hari raya??? Just those two days so we could sit one more time in that place while he speak to us in tht voice that when i remember now, brings tears to my eyes.... that warmth.... that stare.... Can Lailatul Qadar bring my father back??????????

This year... it doesnt feel different... it still feels empty... it still feels sad.... its still different.

My Second brother who is married might be celebrating raya at his wifes house which is fine i guess. So that leaves me with Mom, My oldest brother and my youngest brother. 4 of us...

People who know me i dont tend to turn to God when i have a problem, only when i am at my best and when i happy i turn to God to thank him for everything. But this will be my 11th Raya without my Dad so i say this to God...

"God, give me strength to smile on the eve of celebration... so my mother will smile with me....
God give strength to hold my tears on the morning of celebration.. So my mother will think i am happy...
God give me heart... so i can enjoy it just a little bit like when my dad was alive....
God give me..... Give me anything... let me fake happiness for the people around me....
God.... help..."

p/s - Remember those you have with you... you'll never know when they'll be gone.... Love them like theres no tomorrow... because they loved you yesterday... like there is no today...
p/s and p/s - pic was taken from sebolku.blogspot.com and i added a message.... that was the color of my dads last baju raya when i was twelve...

Selamat hari Raya people....

4 comments:

ღ~n0n0i~ღ said...

Selamat Hari Raya dear Seth..
and yeah..
to Summer too... =)

Whatever it is dear..
Enjoy the Hari Raya.. sebagai satu tanda kemenangan dah berjaya berpuasa selama sebulan.. =)

DeWi said...

selamat hari raya seth n summer..

eii seth.. u keep my summer ha? ayoo.. patut la blk2 bilik.. carik2 summer x jmpa... she's still there...


hihihi... anyway, maaf zahir dan batin ye~

mAshe said...

Your father sounds like an incredible man Fee..
Maybe you can relive the Eid your father gave you for your kids one day :)

Hanafee said...

Nonoi-

Selamat hari raya too!!!! Yay!!! dah nak hampir menang hahahah

Shuwa- Ei dah try hantar baliklah kawan awak ni tapi takleh (heheh macam email plak nak main hantar-hantar)

Mashe -

If i could relive half the Eid my dad gave me and my family... id die a happy man, father, friend and voice reason :D

to all - KOrang best sebab selalu bagi komen!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUKA KOWANG SESGT!!!!!

p/s - Woi yang mengaku budak DUTA KBH tu tinggal tinggal lah komen... tak malu ke kalah komen dengan kengkawan gf aku aduh lah!!!