"What are you still doing here?" a voice asked.
I looked up from my desk, a bit startled but too focused on what I was doing to be bothered too much.
"I need to finish these reports before I go back or else I'm gonna be dreaming about boss chasing me with a file or folder.." I said jokingly.
"Yeah well, make sure you lock up before you go okay?" Fairuz, the technician reminded me.
I watched him walkaway, opened the main door and kept my eyes glued to the door closing behind him. I moved my focus to the computer screen. Pages of pages of pages of words. Words which over time had lost a lot of its meaning. Argh!! This thoughts are what usually distracts me. I pinched my cheek a bit. "Snap out of it bud!" I said to myself. I began typing again, slowly gaining speed.
"Kau ada dengar cerita tak?" i heard someone say, a bit surprised. I thought I was alone in the office.
"Citer aper?"
"Aku dengar Huzir nak berhenti keje. Nak pindah katanya."
"Ehh ko biar betul, dia bukan boss's pet ke. Takkan dia nak blah, mana boleh survive dunia lain yang dia takleh nak jadik kaki bodek boss."
"Aku dengar citer, aku pun taktau betul ke tidak. Ntah-ntah sajer nak mintak naikkan gaji."
"Keje malas, gaji nak besar, tak paham betul lah aku."
I remained calm. Surprisingly. Ive realized though over the years, if there is anything about me that has changed is that I am more composed and relaxed nowadays. I don't jump up and panic every time I feel something needs to be rectified. I tried ignoring the words mentioned out of a culturally narrow person. There was no relevance nor necessity to talk about me. Huzir is quitting. Huzir is asking for this and that with this on top of that. There are moment though these situation becomes, unbearable. As you know these people surrounding you are without a moment of hesitance passing judgement on you. I removed my hands from the keyboards. Put my right hand on top of my left hand and landed my forehead on the back of my hand.
I am tired. Ive been tired for quite some time now. I realize that in my movement and my mood. Im not always in a good mood. No one is actually, but i was getting cranky. I closed my eyes as the images of all the things that could calm me flashed in my head like a bad movie. Beaches, My wife, my three year old son. Then the phone rang. Startled i answered my phone.
"Hello."
"Assalamualaikum Zir.."
"Waaalaikumsalam Zal... whats up?"
"Khairul.... Khairul just passed away...."
It struck. Like lightning. Straight to the heart. I took some time.
"What happened?"
"Apparently, he and Rose was driving back when a lorry miscalculated its turn..."
"Is Rose okay?" I asked understanding the ending of the story.
"She's in ICU, the doctors are saying she has a good chance of surviving, but nothings for sure yet."
I took a deep breath as I thought of the appropriate response.
"SMS me the hospital address, Ill get there soon." and i hung up.
I laid my face in my hands, as tears began streaming down my cheek.
I am afraid of dying. But not because Im afraid to die. I am afraid of dying because of the people Im gonna leave behind. Im afraid for their sake. Im afraid of who will take care of them. More than dying, Im afraid of living my life unfulfilled. I guess death gives a new perspective for the living. I guess death is a reminder of how to live your life.
